Best Wishes and Happy Times

There are a couple of common mistakes that polite people make because they don’t know any better; and then there are a few mistakes made by people who should know better. I have always tried to follow these obscure rules of etiquette, because not only are they true, they are also amusing to me. You may find some of these surprising, questionable, or even down-right nonsensical. It’s ok. I’m here to help.


Obscure Rules

1. Never congratulate a bride: It is considered bad manners to say “Congratulations” to a woman on her engagement or marriage. One can say “Best wishes.” or “I’m so happy for you.” “Congratulations” implies that she was successful in her hunting and trapping foray into getting a man to marry her. It is however, perfectly acceptable to congratulate a man on his engagement. He has after all, proven himself worthy of a woman’s approval. I know, it almost sounds feminist doesn’t it? And it is a rule that is very old. Unfortunately, it stems from the historic inequality in marriage laws, having to do with ownership and other unpleasant-to-think-about issues.

2. To burn or not to burn: When one places out new candles in one’s home, one must burn the wick ever so slightly and then extinguish it. Never have a candle sitting there with a clean wick. This sounds crazy, you say? What possible etiquette rule could this serve? The candle rule dates back to times when electric lights were new. People who were rich enough to afford electricity did not want their less-advantaged guests to feel inadequate, so candles were meant to appear totally utilitarian. If the wick was dark, one couldn’t tell if the candle was needed, or just for show. So now, we burn the wick to make our guests feel welcome.



Not So Obscure Rules

1. Never drink to your own toast: You’re at a wedding, banquet, award ceremony, or birthday bash with friends. Someone raises a glass to you, singing your praises. He closes his speech with a hearty toast in your honor. Everyone else in the room raises their glasses, repeats the last phrase said by the toaster, and drinks. You smile graciously and demurely at everyone and DO NOT sip from your glass. Etiquette demands humility above all else. You don’t want to appear as if you agree with everything he just said and were waiting for someone to say it out loud. If you’re dying for a drink, wait until everyone has sipped, then turn to the toaster and raise your glass as if to say “Thank YOU,” and then drink.

2. Meat, Bread & Butter: Since one can (or at least – should) only eat one bite at a time, that is all that should be cut on one’s plate. One takes one’s fork and knife, cuts a bite of meat, lays down the knife, and puts the bite in one’s mouth. One should not hack up the entire filet into little bite-sized morsels. Most people can handle this directive easily, however you may find it harder when it comes to bread. Bread should also only be torn, never cut, into one small piece at a time, that is then buttered, and then eaten. Please do not slice your roll in half, butter the whole thing, and then eat it like a sandwich. The remainder of the un-torn roll should sit on its bread plate. Oddly enough, the correct procedure, if you do not have a bread plate, is to the rest the roll on the tablecloth beside your plate. Since it has no butter on it, it will not soil your host’s linens.

3. More on Weddings: Gifts are to be sent to the bride prior to the wedding day. The polite guest does not bring the gift to the reception. The bride and groom are not going to open them there and “ooh and aah” over them anyway. Post them to the bride’s address, or drop them off if you live nearby. The roots of this rule may seem obvious. The bride and her family usually do not have the time, or ability, to safeguard the gifts as they pile up on a corner table. Believe me, they have been known to disappear.


I hope my friends find these rules more palatable than the “no black at a wedding” rule. You wouldn’t believe how many are still arguing that point with me. Don’t they know? I know more about it.