Is It too Sunny in Here for You?

Something has been bothering me lately. Hand-in-hand with the general decline of manners in our society, about which I have talked before, I have noticed that there is a growing prevalence among men and boys to violate one of the fundamental properties of gentlemanly behavior.

I am not talking about opening doors for ladies – for I am perfectly capable of opening a door myself, and if I reach it before you, sir, I will hold it open for you. Neither do I mean such silly affectations as lighting my cigarette or ordering for me at a restaurant. I don’t smoke, and am way too picky about my food to allow anyone else to presume to know what I crave.

Let me state it categorically: Gentlemen do not wear hats indoors. Now, you may think that I am picking on these poor hapless men and boys. I have even had arguments with my own nephews over this issue. They offer the same tired defense as others have tried. “Times have changed,” they say. “No one cares about that stuff anymore,” they declare. “It’s ok if we wear baseball caps,” they whine, and it is here that their voices take on that certain note of uncertainty that I always hear.

How many times have I heard that ‘times have changed?’ “Not that old chestnut,” I think to myself and mentally roll my eyes. The ‘times’ do not excuse rudeness. Yes, society is evolving. It always will be, and that is good. However, that does not mean we should abandon our niceties, for they are what makes life pleasant for all. As I have said before in my posts, I assure you, people care. I care, and if I do, there are many others who do too.

I realize that gentlemen hardly ever wear dress hats anymore. Fedoras or bowlers have gone the way of morning coats and spats. What you see now are mostly baseball caps and “trucker” hats. The style of hat has no bearing on this etiquette rule. Baseball caps are not intrinsically exempt. There is nothing so unique about a ball cap that makes it suitable for indoor use. Baseball caps are made to be worn during baseball games. It is even conceivable to wear them for other sporting venues, and to shade your eyes when outside in the sun or rain. I give you enthusiastic permission to wear them backwards, sideways, or jauntily askew. I am all for individual expression in your dress and demeanor. However, when you step indoors, please remove them. I’m not asking you hold them in your hand for the duration. They are usually small and pliable enough to fold them up and put them in your pocket. Believe me, they won’t get damaged.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a restaurant or the mall, and seen several young men wearing their hats. I’m convinced the thought of removing the hat never crosses their minds. Last week, at the doctor’s office, there were at least 4 in the waiting room – one father/son combination. Clearly the sins of the fathers are being passed on to the next oblivious generation.

We would like to see your faces when we talk to you. Besides, the longer you wear your hat, the worse your hat-hair will be. No one wants that! Who knows more about it? I do.

Best Wishes and Happy Times

There are a couple of common mistakes that polite people make because they don’t know any better; and then there are a few mistakes made by people who should know better. I have always tried to follow these obscure rules of etiquette, because not only are they true, they are also amusing to me. You may find some of these surprising, questionable, or even down-right nonsensical. It’s ok. I’m here to help.


Obscure Rules

1. Never congratulate a bride: It is considered bad manners to say “Congratulations” to a woman on her engagement or marriage. One can say “Best wishes.” or “I’m so happy for you.” “Congratulations” implies that she was successful in her hunting and trapping foray into getting a man to marry her. It is however, perfectly acceptable to congratulate a man on his engagement. He has after all, proven himself worthy of a woman’s approval. I know, it almost sounds feminist doesn’t it? And it is a rule that is very old. Unfortunately, it stems from the historic inequality in marriage laws, having to do with ownership and other unpleasant-to-think-about issues.

2. To burn or not to burn: When one places out new candles in one’s home, one must burn the wick ever so slightly and then extinguish it. Never have a candle sitting there with a clean wick. This sounds crazy, you say? What possible etiquette rule could this serve? The candle rule dates back to times when electric lights were new. People who were rich enough to afford electricity did not want their less-advantaged guests to feel inadequate, so candles were meant to appear totally utilitarian. If the wick was dark, one couldn’t tell if the candle was needed, or just for show. So now, we burn the wick to make our guests feel welcome.



Not So Obscure Rules

1. Never drink to your own toast: You’re at a wedding, banquet, award ceremony, or birthday bash with friends. Someone raises a glass to you, singing your praises. He closes his speech with a hearty toast in your honor. Everyone else in the room raises their glasses, repeats the last phrase said by the toaster, and drinks. You smile graciously and demurely at everyone and DO NOT sip from your glass. Etiquette demands humility above all else. You don’t want to appear as if you agree with everything he just said and were waiting for someone to say it out loud. If you’re dying for a drink, wait until everyone has sipped, then turn to the toaster and raise your glass as if to say “Thank YOU,” and then drink.

2. Meat, Bread & Butter: Since one can (or at least – should) only eat one bite at a time, that is all that should be cut on one’s plate. One takes one’s fork and knife, cuts a bite of meat, lays down the knife, and puts the bite in one’s mouth. One should not hack up the entire filet into little bite-sized morsels. Most people can handle this directive easily, however you may find it harder when it comes to bread. Bread should also only be torn, never cut, into one small piece at a time, that is then buttered, and then eaten. Please do not slice your roll in half, butter the whole thing, and then eat it like a sandwich. The remainder of the un-torn roll should sit on its bread plate. Oddly enough, the correct procedure, if you do not have a bread plate, is to the rest the roll on the tablecloth beside your plate. Since it has no butter on it, it will not soil your host’s linens.

3. More on Weddings: Gifts are to be sent to the bride prior to the wedding day. The polite guest does not bring the gift to the reception. The bride and groom are not going to open them there and “ooh and aah” over them anyway. Post them to the bride’s address, or drop them off if you live nearby. The roots of this rule may seem obvious. The bride and her family usually do not have the time, or ability, to safeguard the gifts as they pile up on a corner table. Believe me, they have been known to disappear.


I hope my friends find these rules more palatable than the “no black at a wedding” rule. You wouldn’t believe how many are still arguing that point with me. Don’t they know? I know more about it.

It's a Nice Day for a Black Wedding

Ok, here’s the thing. This is the one bit of advice that I get the most arguments about. When I make my suggestions, my friends say - in voices tinged with uncertainty - “Oh, that isn’t the rule anymore.” They try to tell me that times have changed. They try to rationalize their own mistakes and faux pas. They cleverly throw “What if’s …” back at me. To all this, I can only say: No! Guests don’t wear black to a wedding. Period!

Obviously this advice is for women only. I know, men are benefiting form the old double standard, again, but there it is. Men get to wear their good black suits. And if it’s a classy pin-stripe, all the better.

Yes, we all know that black is slimming. Everyone’s got a favorite little black dress that is sexy, flattering, swingy (the good kind, for dancing,) and cleans up well. I get that. Wear it out Friday night to the club, or on your blind date next week. It will make you feel flirty and powerful. You go girl. However, showing respect for the bride, is more important than how slim you can make yourself appear. For every woman who decides to wear the black dress because she looks so hot in it, and who’s going to care anyway, there is another person looking her over thinking “What was she thinking?” How tacky. I know, because I am that person.

Why black? There are so many options out there. You know what the fashion elite tell us every year. “Brown is the new black.” Or navy, or gray. It changes every year. Wasn’t it lemon recently? If you need to wear a solid dark color to look or feel sexier, try chocolate. Oh my! I can just see you in a chocolate, drapey dress, shakin’ it on the dance floor. Wear something that makes you unique. Be the woman that everyone talks about on the ride home, for the right reasons. “My God, did you see that woman in the ice blue dress. Wasn’t she stunning?!” My good friend Stephanie, wore this amazing red dress to a Candi’s wedding last year, and really stood out from the crowd.

Wearing black to a wedding signifies that you don’t approve. You may think no one will assume that, but once again, you’re wrong. There will be someone at that wedding wondering how much you don’t want the happy couple to be happy. Is that the message you want to send? If so, just don’t go. If, on the other hand, you love the bride and groom as friends or family, be polite. Trust me, someone will notice, and it will probably be the bride. I once attended a wedding where the mother of the groom wore a black pantsuit. Everyone was whispering, not just me.

Yes, a lovely print with black in it is fine, as long as black is not the prominent color. Yes, the bridesmaids may wear black if the that is the color chosen for them by the bride. Yes, you may use black accessories: shoes, bags, belts.

There are a few other simple wedding attire rules to note: no velvet after Memorial Day, dress for the occasion (no big flouncey hats and chiffon to a formal evening ceremony,) and no white! The only thing worse than wearing black, is wearing white. Competing with the bride is a big no-no!

So, there you have it. I know that not everyone knew these rules. Now you do. That’s what you have me for, because I know more about it than you do.

I Know More About It than You Do

My friends have been after me for a while to do a blog. In my little circle of women friends, I seem to be the person they go to with questions about etiquette. They call me “Ms. Manners.” So I’ve decided to share my expertise with the world. I don’t claim to be Judith Martin, or Emily Post. I hope everyone will refer to her own copy of their illustrious books for answers to the big questions. I know my three-inch thick copy is well-thumbed, as I’m sure yours is. But there are some issues I’d like to speak to.

However, since I’m not one-dimensional, I’m not going to limit it to just manners. There are lots of other standards I’d like to raise. (Play-on-words intended.) I notice lots of things. Bad driving, sloppy fashion mistakes, speaking incorrectly, stupid movie plots, male-chauvinist pigs. You know what I mean.

It seems like everyday I notice something that someone does wrong. I’m going to take this space to show you your mistakes. Don’t worry, I won’t name names, unless you want me to. I know I was thrilled the first time Steph (oops, I named her) referred to me in her blog. (see stephaniesays.net). Steph writes funny stories about her life. I first appear in the one called “Downtown Gainesville on a Monday Night.” My other friend Lynn (oops, there I go again) has one at penlovespaper.blogspot.com. Lynn is an amazing crafter and her blog always astounds me. Then there’s Alisa’s (damn it, I can’t seem to shake this habit.) I am very envious of the title she chose: everydayfeminist.com. I can only hope that my blog turns out half as good as theirs.

Now, before you start ranting at me, I realize that you’re going to rant at me. I fully expect to have blistering responses to my freely given constructive advice. I know you don’t like it when I point out your short-comings. But somebody has to, so I’ve decided that it will be me. Go ahead, flame me. It’s ok. I know you feel the need to blame someone. I will calmly pat you on the shoulder, and tell you it will all be ok. As long as you stop doing what’s offending your fellow earthlings, that is.

You just have to remember, I know more about it than you do.