It's a Nice Day for a Black Wedding

Ok, here’s the thing. This is the one bit of advice that I get the most arguments about. When I make my suggestions, my friends say - in voices tinged with uncertainty - “Oh, that isn’t the rule anymore.” They try to tell me that times have changed. They try to rationalize their own mistakes and faux pas. They cleverly throw “What if’s …” back at me. To all this, I can only say: No! Guests don’t wear black to a wedding. Period!

Obviously this advice is for women only. I know, men are benefiting form the old double standard, again, but there it is. Men get to wear their good black suits. And if it’s a classy pin-stripe, all the better.

Yes, we all know that black is slimming. Everyone’s got a favorite little black dress that is sexy, flattering, swingy (the good kind, for dancing,) and cleans up well. I get that. Wear it out Friday night to the club, or on your blind date next week. It will make you feel flirty and powerful. You go girl. However, showing respect for the bride, is more important than how slim you can make yourself appear. For every woman who decides to wear the black dress because she looks so hot in it, and who’s going to care anyway, there is another person looking her over thinking “What was she thinking?” How tacky. I know, because I am that person.

Why black? There are so many options out there. You know what the fashion elite tell us every year. “Brown is the new black.” Or navy, or gray. It changes every year. Wasn’t it lemon recently? If you need to wear a solid dark color to look or feel sexier, try chocolate. Oh my! I can just see you in a chocolate, drapey dress, shakin’ it on the dance floor. Wear something that makes you unique. Be the woman that everyone talks about on the ride home, for the right reasons. “My God, did you see that woman in the ice blue dress. Wasn’t she stunning?!” My good friend Stephanie, wore this amazing red dress to a Candi’s wedding last year, and really stood out from the crowd.

Wearing black to a wedding signifies that you don’t approve. You may think no one will assume that, but once again, you’re wrong. There will be someone at that wedding wondering how much you don’t want the happy couple to be happy. Is that the message you want to send? If so, just don’t go. If, on the other hand, you love the bride and groom as friends or family, be polite. Trust me, someone will notice, and it will probably be the bride. I once attended a wedding where the mother of the groom wore a black pantsuit. Everyone was whispering, not just me.

Yes, a lovely print with black in it is fine, as long as black is not the prominent color. Yes, the bridesmaids may wear black if the that is the color chosen for them by the bride. Yes, you may use black accessories: shoes, bags, belts.

There are a few other simple wedding attire rules to note: no velvet after Memorial Day, dress for the occasion (no big flouncey hats and chiffon to a formal evening ceremony,) and no white! The only thing worse than wearing black, is wearing white. Competing with the bride is a big no-no!

So, there you have it. I know that not everyone knew these rules. Now you do. That’s what you have me for, because I know more about it than you do.

I Know More About It than You Do

My friends have been after me for a while to do a blog. In my little circle of women friends, I seem to be the person they go to with questions about etiquette. They call me “Ms. Manners.” So I’ve decided to share my expertise with the world. I don’t claim to be Judith Martin, or Emily Post. I hope everyone will refer to her own copy of their illustrious books for answers to the big questions. I know my three-inch thick copy is well-thumbed, as I’m sure yours is. But there are some issues I’d like to speak to.

However, since I’m not one-dimensional, I’m not going to limit it to just manners. There are lots of other standards I’d like to raise. (Play-on-words intended.) I notice lots of things. Bad driving, sloppy fashion mistakes, speaking incorrectly, stupid movie plots, male-chauvinist pigs. You know what I mean.

It seems like everyday I notice something that someone does wrong. I’m going to take this space to show you your mistakes. Don’t worry, I won’t name names, unless you want me to. I know I was thrilled the first time Steph (oops, I named her) referred to me in her blog. (see stephaniesays.net). Steph writes funny stories about her life. I first appear in the one called “Downtown Gainesville on a Monday Night.” My other friend Lynn (oops, there I go again) has one at penlovespaper.blogspot.com. Lynn is an amazing crafter and her blog always astounds me. Then there’s Alisa’s (damn it, I can’t seem to shake this habit.) I am very envious of the title she chose: everydayfeminist.com. I can only hope that my blog turns out half as good as theirs.

Now, before you start ranting at me, I realize that you’re going to rant at me. I fully expect to have blistering responses to my freely given constructive advice. I know you don’t like it when I point out your short-comings. But somebody has to, so I’ve decided that it will be me. Go ahead, flame me. It’s ok. I know you feel the need to blame someone. I will calmly pat you on the shoulder, and tell you it will all be ok. As long as you stop doing what’s offending your fellow earthlings, that is.

You just have to remember, I know more about it than you do.